Delusion !

We spend our whole lives worrying about the future, planning for the future, trying to predict the future. As figuring it out will somehow cushion the blow. But the future is always changing. The future is the home of our deepest fears, our wildest hopes. But one thing is certain; when it finally reveals itself, the future is never the way we ever imagined it. Sooner or later, if intelligent one realizes that all the wealth acquired, all the objects of pleasure procured, all the relationships maintained, name and fame gained, work done, achievements accomplished, none of them has any relevance to the inner actual peace and joy lived. The entire life then seems an empty struggle a futile exertion, a meaningless mission. No one really can describe or be sure as to what that inner peace is. It has to be experienced, it is something very personal, and something that is so short lived and still has the capacity to cure a disease. It had been a long time since I had tasted it; I almost forgot something like that ever existed. An outright attempt to search capture that peace began and this part of my life is called ‘taking blows’, the time when endurance gets tested, the same time when one knows his real self. This is that phase in life which is very common and I presume it’s extremely essential too. I was internally annihilated; every positive emotion that my skin had to display to the conventional world outside had a deep root of defiled chaos within. It was terrible. It was as if life told me “sorry boss! You do what you want; I have nothing good for you”. It was gloomy.

Amidst all succeeding people around in their own way it was even more difficult to carry myself through. I desperately wanted to shield my inner self, and at the same time on the other side I wanted to shout what I am actually feeling but somehow controlled every nerve. During this contemplative period I reckoned how different human beings are and how the hell did god or someone design it? No two thoughts between us ever match (unless you pretend to), still there exist harmony and understanding and compatibility amongst us. The very nature of humans to find a complete set structure in between extensive chaos is a miracle in its own sense. No explanation. It is.

I was terribly rejected by everyone. I was opposed for every thought raised. I was denied for every wish asked. I was ignored for every idea shared. In short I was eliminated. I obviously didn’t intend to give up and run away to eternity, which was not going to get me anywhere but into more misery. So I thought of giving it another shot, a shot that will be taken seriously, a shot that will be respected, a shot that may be in retrospect that would make some sense and might amount to something.

Life around is too complicated. Every single opinion in any context were turned and twisted to satisfy emotions and self esteem and respect and I don’t know what not is required for ones contentment. This complication has another consequence apart from an illusion called contentment which is called ‘chaos’ which in reality has a much higher probability of occurrence than the former. Why to resort for a long route when there is a small and simple one.  Missing somebody?? Call, Want to meet up?? Invite, Want to be understood? Explain, Have questions??Ask, don’t like something?? Say it, like something?   State it, Want something?  Ask for it, Have doubts? Clarify, Love someone??  Tell it. How difficult is it to put these into actual realistic practice. Why the unnecessary complications and chaos. Confrontation always helps.

The other gloomy thing that made me reflect very easily unto myself is the unwavering indifference that suddenly radiated from people because of certain inexplicable reasons. An invisible hand just slaps on your face and runs away without looking back. The latest trend for indifference that one shows is when he ‘gets into a new relationship in the context of love’. Oh my god! Now the numerous complications that comes with it is bizarre. I really feel there shouldn’t be any personal relationships formed between 2 people amongst a bunch of good friends who flock together. It defeats the very purpose. If it s a third person altogether, then bang on. It will add a new flavor, a new aroma among others too. If it is someone amongst them, it brings sense of emotional separation; suddenly things get personal and confidential. Trust domain suddenly forms a new range. Pretence, superficiality, conventional rules etc suddenly becomes so important. It is all the more disturbing when you see such a couple make love before you. Sigh!! Plight! They are friends’ right, every time you see them again a wrong and disturbing picture forms in your head. Some friends are addictive by nature. The thing about addiction is that it never ends well. Because eventually, whatever it is that was getting us high stops feeling good, and starts to hurt. Still they say you don’t kick the habit until you hit rock bottom. But how do you know when you’re there? Because no matter how badly it hurts us, letting go hurts even worse. How does one get through then? A terrible war had to be fought with the self. But some wars are never over, some end in an uneasy truce. Some wars result incomplete and total victory. Some war end with peace offering and some war end in hope, but all these wars are nothing compared to the most frightening war of all, the one you yet have to fight. The ties that bind us are sometimes impossible to explain, they connect us even after it seems better to break off. Some defy distance, time and logic because some ties are simply meant to be.

There comes a point where it all becomes too much. When we get tired to fight anymore. So we give up. That’s when the real work begins, to find hope, where there seems to be absolutely nothing at all. We constantly come up with new ways to fix ourselves so we change, we adapt, and we create new versions of ourselves. We just need to make sure that this one is better than the last.

Thus when the world rejects you, its life’s way of asking you to be alert and get up from your slumber and act. Nothing in this world remains the same and hence no happiness is permanent. “Once upon a time”, “happily ever after”, the stories we tell and wish for ourselves are that of a dream. They don’t come true. Reality is much stormier, much murkier, and much scarier. It’s so much more interesting than living happily ever after.